Joke Quotes
Most Famous Joke Quotes of All Time!
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Audiences are always better pleased with a smart retort, some joke or epigram, than with any amount of reasoning.
I think it's a travesty that the NBA can't just tell these guys to play basketball two days in a row. It's just a joke to me. We flew commercial, and we were able to play back-to-back.
Stewardesses were a joke to many of us coming of age in the liberated Sixties. They were no joke in the women's movement that liberated us, however.
Writing comedy is an exposing thing because you're putting yourself on the line with every joke you write, and although you can't second-guess an audience, if you want to be successful, you have to write stuff people like.
If I go and buy a coffee, and somebody asks me what I do, I'll say, 'I find asteroids.' And the first thing they always do is make a Bruce Willis joke, or they are going to bring up Armageddon.
It's so easy to judge everybody and for some reason extra weight is the one thing everything feels OK to joke about.
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'
We all have, in my family, what we call the 'Vorderman bottom' - a sticky out, bigger-than-normal, signature, of the rear variety. It's been a family joke all our lives - even my lovely brother has one. I know the lines to all the good singalong big bum songs.
I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes.
I have Bob Dylan lyrics on my ribs. I'm a diehard Dylan fan, and my dad and I joke that if I ever met him, I'd have him sign his name right under my tattoo and then I'd run to the parlor to get his signature tattooed.
If I've got a black joke, and I can't tell it in Oakland, then I shouldn't tell the joke anywhere else.
It would be really hard to get serious about anything political today unless it was a joke.
I only became a celebrity because I had a kid. Before I was pregnant nobody cared. I joke to my agent that having a baby made my career.
Somebody would think I was trying to get favored treatment because my ancestors had the name Moon. And that's a joke.
The joke in aviation is, 'If you want to make a million, you'd better start with £10m.'
I have had every hair color. I joke with my hair colorist. She keeps sheets of paper on every hair color that I've had, so she has records of it all. She's done my hair since I was 15, and I guess I have a thick folder going because I've had so many different hair colors.
Westminster is no joke. I took some tough classes there. It prepared me for a tough career.
When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there's some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a word means, because it's the punch line to a joke.
Directing a television episode is no joke, and it's incredibly difficult and especially when you're acting in it as well.
Completely committed to adapting 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. This is not a joke. Christian Grey and Ana: potentially great cinematic characters.
You're going to get flak if you tell the wrong joke, but it's still the wrong joke. Give the wrong speech, you take it on the chin.
Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle... and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable - those billionaire reports are a joke.
We feel that what's too far is when you make a joke and somebody gets hurt.
When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.
I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.
There are quite detailed rules with sitcom. When people can leave scenes, act structure, joke rhythm. You can't not have a straight man.
The U.K. and Europe in general seem to be a lot more patient. The U.S. are expecting 'joke joke joke joke joke joke joke.' They don't actually sit and listen to you.
I like to joke about being gay because it's something teenagers would never joke about.
It was funny to hear that I'd slapped Bieber. I thought it was a joke. Then it blew up. I probably got 50 texts about it.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a civil engineer. No joke. I would come home from school and build bridges out of toothpicks and see how much weight they would hold before falling.
On 'Lab Rats,' I read the script probably three or four times before we ever even do a table read because I want to be completely prepared. And I want to know exactly which beats I have to hit and where I need to make something comical. Some lines need a little more than others do just to get the point across, to get the joke to be funny.
Whenever I realize I'm being a goofball, I write it down. When I release the joke onstage, I love watching the effect it has on the audience. No one wants to see someone talk who takes themselves too seriously.
When I was coaching with the Patriots, the players pulled a practical joke and I said, 'Do you think I'm Charlie the Tuna, like a sucker?' After that, they called me Tuna.
I make a joke that I'm the Internet curmudgeon, but 'wary' is a good way to put it.
When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.
We are almost in a time beyond jokes, beyond satire. When the Trump era is called the 'post-truth' period, then this is the greatest joke of all, albeit quite depressing.
The thing with the comedian is you can make all the jokes you want and not every joke it going to be a winner, and not every joke is going to land, there'll be some that somebody doesn't laugh at, but that's just part of the deal.
Any private security is a joke in a country where you're up against your own government.
Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it's got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can't just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that - it's got to be funny.
There is a joke that your hammer will always find nails to hit. I find that perfectly acceptable.
Cartooning is about deconstruction: you gotta tear something down to make a joke.
I have a great pic of my father and Rev. Graham laughing hysterically at some joke with George Pratt Shultz looking on back in 1972 or so.
Where I'm from, to do acting is not heard of. Being one of the lads and all, you don't just go, 'Oh, I want to be an actor'. They'd laugh and joke about it.
I don't try to impress people. Sometimes my jokes can be very harsh; I'm very sarcastic. I would joke about something disgusting, and my agent might be like, 'OK, maybe leave that behind for this one meeting. The burping? Maybe don't do that.'
Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette, Dolly Parton and I were the first female headliners, where we would book our own opening acts. Before that, it was a standing joke that it was more like we had 'pretty little girl singers' opening for a male headliner.
After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times, and then one night it'll flop.
What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.
I was at Facebook in 2012, during the previous presidential race. The fact that Facebook could easily throw the election by selectively showing a Get Out the Vote reminder in certain counties of a swing state, for example, was a running joke.
With every side I've played for, I've always tried to fit in and joke with my team mates while enjoying good times with them on and off the pitch. And that's what's happened with Les Bleus.
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
The critics had an image of me, and they wouldn't accept any other... I was a cartoon character. A joke.
I've realized that I can never not do the nail salon joke, and I will have to talk about Bon Qui Qui for eternity.
I do a joke in my stand-up where I say I'm a Christian, but I'm not a Christian comedian. I think that's definitely how I see my acting. I'm an actor who happens to be a Christian.
There's a joke that I do where I make fun of myself for being bow-legged, and I compare myself to a camel and how a camel walks and sits, and that has become a joke that people - when I deliver that joke, people are in tears.
Louis CK knows that just because a joke is using space as a resource instead of something to be crammed like a hamper, this doesn't mean a story isn't happening.
Shaquille and I kind of joke we were the Christopher Columbus of social media. We're kind of out on a boat by ourselves going through these uncharted waters. But it's become more understood, embraced and accepted, and now it's pretty much expected by fans for athletes, leagues and teams to be there.
Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.
The fact that 'Mom' is not joke, joke, joke - and is investing in these characters and their lives, things that really happen to people - I think it's resonating, and that's why people are tuning into it and not just dismissing it as a multi-cam sitcom.
'30 Rock' is probably one of my favorite shows. It's just joke after joke after joke.
I have always noticed that deeply and truly religious persons are fond of a joke, and I am suspicious of those who aren't.
It's easier to find the joke in something when you think, 'This - this is ridiculous.'
Same thing, like my commercials are often times really funny because I tend to find 30 seconds is a really good amount of time to tell a joke.
Me and the Rock do look a lot alike, and we're a similar build - that was a joke, by the way.
Most of us don't think forwarding a racist joke or speaking in an insulting 'comedic' accent is appropriate at the workplace. Unfortunately, for those raised in the toxic culture of conservatism, the sort of mentality that leads government employees to do those things is widespread.
I've never pitched a joke that I wouldn't be comfortable seeing in a Pixar film.
I watched the classics as a kid, and I could tell that Bugs Bunny in drag was a cartoon and a joke. It didn't make me start dressing in drag.
I often joke that I've just become a professional schmoozer. Like, nobody cares how well I can rock climb anymore. It just has to do with how well I can schmooze.
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
Americans do believe in progress and there is almost certainly a kernel of truth in the joke.
My family joke that I'm really a very senior person who accidentally happens to be 11.
My first joke was about a company called Five Star Parking that was all over Philadelphia: 'Who's reviewing parking lots?'
Basically, we used to have a rule at 'Saturday Night Live' that you're not allowed to bring up 'The Simpsons' at the rewrite table, because 'The Simpsons' has done every joke there is. Every week there would be guys going, 'The Simpsons did that.' I go, 'C'mon.' And 'South Park,' too.
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