Rita Rudner Quotes

Most Famous Rita Rudner Quotes of All Time!

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We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

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