I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a white tie. I have been following that advice ever since, and honestly my confidence has never been higher.

I am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen - I can feel it. Every page is more terrifying than the last.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes - all the others were nines and tens. I chose to take that as a compliment and moved on.

I tried to write a joke about a broken pencil, but it was pointless. I sharpened my skills after that and came up with better material.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure. It took me three days to decide whether to tell this joke, and I still second-guessed myself.

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work. I have been workshopping them for months with no results.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. It is the kind of observation that makes you stop, tilt your head, and then groan loudly.

I was going to tell a joke about acupuncture, but I decided to needle you another time. It is a bit of a sore subject for some people anyway.

I used to work at a bakery, but I could not make enough dough. They said I was the upper crust, but the pay was just crumby.

A horse walks into a bar. Several patrons get up and leave - they recognized the potential threat. The bartender asked, "Why the long face?"

I used to be addicted to soap, but I am clean now. It took a lot of scrubbing of my old habits, but I have really lathered up my willpower.

Why can a nose not be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot! And everyone knows feet have a very different function - though both can be quite smelly.

The more you use me, the less I exist. What am I? An eraser! Every mistake it fixes costs it a little piece of itself - truly the most selfless item in the pencil case.

What has teeth but no mouth? A comb! Or a saw. Either way, dental care is not required and conversation is limited. The comb has been quietly styling hair without complaint for centuries.

What runs but never walks? A river! It has been running since before anyone was watching and has never once stopped to rest or asked for directions. Extremely committed to its destination.

What has hands but no arms? A clock! It has been pointing at important moments for centuries without ever being able to do anything about them. Just watching. Pointing. Ticking forward.

What room has no walls, floor, or ceiling? A mushroom! It lives rent-free in the forest and has no interest in any structural requirements. The woodland community accepts it as it is.

The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I? Footsteps! Every step forward leaves evidence of where you have been. The path behind grows exactly as fast as the journey ahead.

What is a jumbo shrimp? The most successful oxymoron in the English language! Two words that cancel each other out, standing together on every appetizer menu in complete contradiction of themselves.

Why is I before E except after C so annoying? Because of words like "weird," "science," "seize," and "protein"! The rule is more of a guideline that English follows roughly forty percent of the time.