What do you call a happy gardener? Someone with a great "atti-tude." They always look on the bright side, especially when their tomatoes finally turn red.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. Now I cannot imagine life without my beard - it really suits my face.

Why did the broom get promoted? Because it swept the competition. The janitor was really proud - he trained that broom himself.

What do you call shoes made from banana peels? Slippers! They are great until you try to walk upstairs.

Why do elevator jokes work so well? Because they work on so many levels. Some go up, some go down, but all of them lift your spirits.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. She was relieved when I finally stood on both feet.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a white tie. I have been following that advice ever since, and honestly my confidence has never been higher.

I am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen - I can feel it. Every page is more terrifying than the last.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes - all the others were nines and tens. I chose to take that as a compliment and moved on.

I tried to write a joke about a broken pencil, but it was pointless. I sharpened my skills after that and came up with better material.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure. It took me three days to decide whether to tell this joke, and I still second-guessed myself.

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work. I have been workshopping them for months with no results.

What did the pizza say to the delivery driver? "You have really got a pizza my heart!" The driver was moved - and also confused because he was just trying to drop off the order.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! The restaurant discovered the fraud immediately - the texture was all wrong and it could not hold sauce properly.

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? Because it ran out of juice! Traffic was backed up for miles and the lemon behind it was absolutely sour about the delay.

What did the bread say to the butter? "You are on a roll!" The butter blushed and spread the compliment to the toast, who was absolutely slathered in happiness.

Why did the sandwich go to the doctor? Because it was feeling a bit crumby! The doctor prescribed more whole grain and suggested cutting out the processed stuff.

What did the apple say to the almond? "You are absolutely nuts!" The almond took it as a compliment and shared the sentiment with the walnut, who was shell-shocked.

Why was the broom late for the first date? Because it swept away the afternoon! It had been so excited about the evening that it lost track of time and had to rush to the restaurant.

My wife told me I never listen. Or at least, I think that is what she said. I have been giving it some thought - or I will be once I figure out what the topic was.