How does a lawyer sleep? They bill a couple of hours, then lie awake worrying about the next deadline, then bill those hours too. The dream phase is technically billable as "after-hours research."

Why are lawyers difficult at family dinners? Because they object before their aunt even finishes her sentence and immediately cite precedent from Christmas 2019 to support their position on turkey preparation.

Why do lawyers read everything slowly? Because the most important sentence is always on page forty-seven in font size six! They have been burned by fine print before and will not be burned again. Not twice, anyway.

Why do contracts use so many words to say yes? Because yes has not been tested in court! Every word is a hedge, every clause a precedent, every subparagraph the memory of a dispute someone lost in 1987.

What does a lawyer do on Monday morning? File a motion to dismiss the entire concept of Monday! Unfortunately, that motion has been denied every week since the calendar was invented. The appeal is ongoing.

What happens when a lawyer wins an argument at home? They are technically correct, their spouse is not convinced, and the victory feels exactly as hollow as their law professors predicted it might. The fee is still charged.

What do lawyers never say? "That is a quick one - no charge!" Every minute of advice is a minute of billable time. The clock starts when you say hello and ends when you say goodbye. Sometimes later.