What do you call a happy gardener? Someone with a great "atti-tude." They always look on the bright side, especially when their tomatoes finally turn red.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. Now I cannot imagine life without my beard - it really suits my face.

Why did the broom get promoted? Because it swept the competition. The janitor was really proud - he trained that broom himself.

What do you call shoes made from banana peels? Slippers! They are great until you try to walk upstairs.

Why do elevator jokes work so well? Because they work on so many levels. Some go up, some go down, but all of them lift your spirits.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. She was relieved when I finally stood on both feet.

What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese! I told that joke at a party and someone threw a chip at me - totally worth it.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a white tie. I have been following that advice ever since, and honestly my confidence has never been higher.

I am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen - I can feel it. Every page is more terrifying than the last.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes - all the others were nines and tens. I chose to take that as a compliment and moved on.