What do you call a happy gardener? Someone with a great "atti-tude." They always look on the bright side, especially when their tomatoes finally turn red.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. Now I cannot imagine life without my beard - it really suits my face.

Why did the broom get promoted? Because it swept the competition. The janitor was really proud - he trained that broom himself.

What do you call shoes made from banana peels? Slippers! They are great until you try to walk upstairs.

Why do elevator jokes work so well? Because they work on so many levels. Some go up, some go down, but all of them lift your spirits.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. She was relieved when I finally stood on both feet.

Knock knock. Who is there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it is cold out here! The vegetable had been standing outside for twenty minutes and was absolutely freezing.

Knock knock. Who is there? Cow says. Cow says who? No silly, cow says MOO! The farmer at the door had heard this one a hundred times but still laughed every time.

Knock knock. Who is there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you and I miss you! The other person opened the door immediately - no one can resist that kind of declaration.

Knock knock. Who is there? Boo. Boo who? Do not cry, it is just a joke! The ghost at the door felt terrible about making anyone sad and apologized immediately.

Knock knock. Who is there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow wh - MOO! The timing is everything with this one - the moo has to land before the question finishes.

Knock knock. Who is there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you! The visitor had been holding that sneeze in for quite some time and was very relieved to let it out.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. It is the kind of observation that makes you stop, tilt your head, and then groan loudly.

I was going to tell a joke about acupuncture, but I decided to needle you another time. It is a bit of a sore subject for some people anyway.

I used to work at a bakery, but I could not make enough dough. They said I was the upper crust, but the pay was just crumby.

A horse walks into a bar. Several patrons get up and leave - they recognized the potential threat. The bartender asked, "Why the long face?"

I used to be addicted to soap, but I am clean now. It took a lot of scrubbing of my old habits, but I have really lathered up my willpower.

Why can a nose not be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot! And everyone knows feet have a very different function - though both can be quite smelly.

Why did the piano player keep hitting wrong notes? Because she was too far off the key-board of perfection! Her teacher said she had potential - the notes just had not caught up yet.

Why did the guitarist get fired from the orchestra? Because he refused to fret about it! He strummed along anyway, and the conductor eventually had to bar him from the building.