I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a white tie. I have been following that advice ever since, and honestly my confidence has never been higher.

I am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen - I can feel it. Every page is more terrifying than the last.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes - all the others were nines and tens. I chose to take that as a compliment and moved on.

I tried to write a joke about a broken pencil, but it was pointless. I sharpened my skills after that and came up with better material.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure. It took me three days to decide whether to tell this joke, and I still second-guessed myself.

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work. I have been workshopping them for months with no results.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. It is the kind of observation that makes you stop, tilt your head, and then groan loudly.

I was going to tell a joke about acupuncture, but I decided to needle you another time. It is a bit of a sore subject for some people anyway.

I used to work at a bakery, but I could not make enough dough. They said I was the upper crust, but the pay was just crumby.

A horse walks into a bar. Several patrons get up and leave - they recognized the potential threat. The bartender asked, "Why the long face?"