What do you call a happy gardener? Someone with a great "atti-tude." They always look on the bright side, especially when their tomatoes finally turn red.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. Now I cannot imagine life without my beard - it really suits my face.

Why did the broom get promoted? Because it swept the competition. The janitor was really proud - he trained that broom himself.

What do you call shoes made from banana peels? Slippers! They are great until you try to walk upstairs.

Why do elevator jokes work so well? Because they work on so many levels. Some go up, some go down, but all of them lift your spirits.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. She was relieved when I finally stood on both feet.

What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese! I told that joke at a party and someone threw a chip at me - totally worth it.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a white tie. I have been following that advice ever since, and honestly my confidence has never been higher.

I am reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen - I can feel it. Every page is more terrifying than the last.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes - all the others were nines and tens. I chose to take that as a compliment and moved on.

I tried to write a joke about a broken pencil, but it was pointless. I sharpened my skills after that and came up with better material.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure. It took me three days to decide whether to tell this joke, and I still second-guessed myself.

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work. I have been workshopping them for months with no results.

I hate Russian dolls. They are so full of themselves. Every single one thinks there is something special hidden inside - and honestly, they are right.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. It is the kind of observation that makes you stop, tilt your head, and then groan loudly.

I was going to tell a joke about acupuncture, but I decided to needle you another time. It is a bit of a sore subject for some people anyway.

I used to work at a bakery, but I could not make enough dough. They said I was the upper crust, but the pay was just crumby.

A horse walks into a bar. Several patrons get up and leave - they recognized the potential threat. The bartender asked, "Why the long face?"

I used to be addicted to soap, but I am clean now. It took a lot of scrubbing of my old habits, but I have really lathered up my willpower.

Why can a nose not be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot! And everyone knows feet have a very different function - though both can be quite smelly.