Why do lawyers read everything slowly? Because the most important sentence is always on page forty-seven in font size six! They have been burned by fine print before and will not be burned again. Not twice, anyway.

Why do contracts use so many words to say yes? Because yes has not been tested in court! Every word is a hedge, every clause a precedent, every subparagraph the memory of a dispute someone lost in 1987.

What does a lawyer do on Monday morning? File a motion to dismiss the entire concept of Monday! Unfortunately, that motion has been denied every week since the calendar was invented. The appeal is ongoing.

What happens when a lawyer wins an argument at home? They are technically correct, their spouse is not convinced, and the victory feels exactly as hollow as their law professors predicted it might. The fee is still charged.

What is a committee? A group of people who individually can make decisions quickly but collectively cannot agree on what to have for lunch. Every committee has one person who says "circling back" and means it.

What do campaign promises and milk have in common? They both expire shortly after delivery! The shelf life on a campaign promise is typically measured in weeks, after which a new approach is announced with equal confidence.

What happens at a political debate? Two people explain why the other one is wrong for ninety minutes! Viewers emerge having learned approximately what they already believed. Everyone declares their candidate the winner.

What is bipartisan agreement? A rare and beautiful phenomenon where two sides find common ground! It usually occurs when both parties want a pay rise, more parking spaces, or a long weekend. Shared interests are powerful.

What is voting? Standing in a booth with a pencil and briefly believing that this time things will be different! The optimism lasts until the results come in and then recalibrates for the next four years.

What happens at a press conference? Reporters ask specific questions and receive comprehensive answers about something adjacent! After forty minutes everyone departs having learned something, just not the thing they asked.

What is the difference between a bug and a feature? Documentation! If it is written down as intentional behavior, it is a feature. If it surprises the developer, it is a bug. The line is entirely administrative.

What do programmers say when code only works on their machine? "It works on my machine!" The solution is to ship their entire computer to the client. This is technically correct and professionally inadvisable.

How do programmers solve problems? First, check if someone else has had the same problem. Second, copy their solution. Third, modify it until it breaks. Fourth, post a new question. Fifth, repeat from step one.

What is a good git commit message? "Fixed stuff." This was written at 11:45 PM on a Friday. Nobody will understand it in three months including the person who wrote it. It is accurate and complete.

What are the two hardest problems in programming? Cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors. The person who originally said this is aware that is three problems. It was intentional. They are very proud of it.

99 little bugs in the code. 99 little bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile again - 127 little bugs in the code. The nature of bugs is that they are social and travel in groups with friends you...