Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! Every beach vacation comes with this free lesson in marine biology - the fish are very particular about seasoning.

What do you call a trip to the moon? An out-of-this-world vacation! The hotel reviews are mixed - the views are incredible but the lack of atmosphere is really noticeable.

Why did the tourist bring a map to the beach? Because he did not want to get lost in the current! He also brought sunscreen, six novels, and a sand castle blueprint - maximum preparation.

What do you call a sunburned holidaymaker? Well done! She had been warned about the SPF but assumed she had earned a tan - the lobster-red shade disagreed with that assessment.

Why did the hotel ban decks of cards? Because there were too many suits by the pool! Management also confiscated the joker - the other guests had complained about his attitude.

What do campers wear at night? Their PJs - also known as "bear necessities!" The campground shop sold out of flannel sets every weekend, and the bears appreciated the coordinated aesthetic.

Why do theme park rides make you scream? Because you cannot whisper at 80 miles per hour! The engineers specifically designed the drops to extract maximum volume from guests of all ages.

Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him! He has been doing it for centuries and has developed an excellent tolerance for soot and a very forgiving dry-cleaning arrangement.

Why does Rudolph have a red nose? Because he is not very good at stopping quickly! Santa confirmed this was the original reason - the glowing came later as a surprise side effect.

Why do elves work so hard at Christmas? Because they have high elf-esteem! Also, the bonus structure is excellent and the cookie ration during crunch week is genuinely motivating.

What do Christmas trees and bad knitters have in common? They both drop their needles! The tree does it gracefully across December; the knitter does it while watching TV and blaming the cat.

What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle! The transition was faster than expected and nobody had the heart to tell him how the summer was going to go.

Why is gift wrapping so difficult? Because every box has at least three corners that are impossible to fold neatly, and the tape always sticks to itself before it reaches the paper. Every. Single. Time.

How does Santa keep track of bad kids? He checks it twice - and also has an excellent database management system that the elves migrated to cloud in 2018. The uptime is legendary.