Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! Every beach vacation comes with this free lesson in marine biology - the fish are very particular about seasoning.

What do you call a trip to the moon? An out-of-this-world vacation! The hotel reviews are mixed - the views are incredible but the lack of atmosphere is really noticeable.

Why did the tourist bring a map to the beach? Because he did not want to get lost in the current! He also brought sunscreen, six novels, and a sand castle blueprint - maximum preparation.

What do you call a sunburned holidaymaker? Well done! She had been warned about the SPF but assumed she had earned a tan - the lobster-red shade disagreed with that assessment.

Why did the hotel ban decks of cards? Because there were too many suits by the pool! Management also confiscated the joker - the other guests had complained about his attitude.

What do campers wear at night? Their PJs - also known as "bear necessities!" The campground shop sold out of flannel sets every weekend, and the bears appreciated the coordinated aesthetic.

Why do theme park rides make you scream? Because you cannot whisper at 80 miles per hour! The engineers specifically designed the drops to extract maximum volume from guests of all ages.

Why do French people not eat two eggs for breakfast? Because for them, one egg is un oeuf! The waiter at the Parisian cafe confirmed this was the correct portion and absolutely not negotiable.

Why do people remove their shoes at airport security? Because it is a form of sole-searching! Every traveler is forced to confront what their footwear says about them before boarding the plane.

How do you know you are in a tourist trap? The souvenir magnets cost $12, the coffee is $9, and the local dish was clearly made in a factory three countries away. But the views are gorgeous.