W C Fields Quotes

Most Famous W C Fields Quotes of All Time!

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I drink therefore I am.

I never met a kid I liked.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

I like children - fried.

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