Steven Wright Quotes

Most Famous Steven Wright Quotes of All Time!

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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

How young can you die of old age?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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