Steven Wright Quotes

Most Famous Steven Wright Quotes of All Time!

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If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

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