Steven Wright Quotes

Most Famous Steven Wright Quotes of All Time!

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If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

How young can you die of old age?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

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