Tom Segura Quotes

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People will say, 'What's your favorite part of Cincinnati?' I'm like, 'I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn't go anywhere. I was a kid.'

Here's some advice: if something really embarrassing happens to your kid, don't take it on national TV.

I've always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit.

I'm not the nicest guy on stage.

I think I'm a decent person.

Standup is essentially part of your personality with the volume turned up.

The thing for me is that my natural state is to be reserved and not share.

I don't want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they're fatter than me.

I'm a sarcastic, observational storyteller.

I don't switch my act up to win over the crowd. I'm more like, 'You came here... this is what I do.' I dig my heels in harder if I feel like they are not on board.

I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. 'I'll have a burger, fries and a Coke.' 'Will you be eating in the car?' 'Yeah. I think so.'

I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I'll just pull them out whenever I'm feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese - not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge.

A lot of times, you land in a city, and you're like, 'This is not my people.' I'm gonna do the show, but you don't feel like this is for you. And then, some places, you just go and just fall into a groove, and you're like, 'This feels right.'

Vancouver just feels comfortable to me.

I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That's a good boost to my day. You know, I'm eating, and I go, 'Oooohhh.' It's better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you're like, 'Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.'

When you tour as much as I do, you're always on the road, and you tend to gravitate toward cities where you're like, 'Every time I'm in that city, the shows are fun.'

I'll never be a TV writer.

I could see myself being on a TV show, but I think touring is something I'll always do.

I think, to be a great conversationalist, you need to be interested in being in said conversation. Oddly enough, I think you need to be a great listener, and I do think I'm a good listener. I think that's my asset - I always listen to people when I talk to them, and that's a big thing you have to have in life and in podcasts.

I've never been a big party guy or super social.

I don't like big events and crowded areas. I'm almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I've been like that forever.

Every person learns with time and experience.

I used to do much shorter jokes a lot more.

You should make travel as comfortable as possible.

Traveling with kids is tough. My best advice is don't do it.

I'm definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know how to pack a bag. I know that checking a bag is for rookies.

Sleep is important for a comic - like it is for a lot of people.

It's okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don't want to be like them.

When you're a comic doing a special, it's like you're directing your first movie.

When you shoot a special, you have no idea what's going to happen, and the fact that I got to do the first one with Comedy Dynamics was a roll of the dice. It was a game changer for me professionally.

If you're going to wear a cowboy hat, you're going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around you, settle all of your disputes with a pistol, and ride a horse absolutely everywhere.

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