Top 10 Tom Segura Quotes

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People will say, 'What's your favorite part of Cincinnati?' I'm like, 'I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn't go anywhere. I was a kid.'

Here's some advice: if something really embarrassing happens to your kid, don't take it on national TV.

I've always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit.

I'm not the nicest guy on stage.

I think I'm a decent person.

Standup is essentially part of your personality with the volume turned up.

The thing for me is that my natural state is to be reserved and not share.

I don't want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they're fatter than me.

I'm a sarcastic, observational storyteller.

I don't switch my act up to win over the crowd. I'm more like, 'You came here... this is what I do.' I dig my heels in harder if I feel like they are not on board.

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