Bill Engvall Quotes

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I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me.

If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.

There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it.

I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes.

I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.'

I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time.

It's fun being Bill Engvall.

Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down.

I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises.

Europe has such an expansive history.

I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer.

When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!'

If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody.

My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.'

You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades.

People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'

It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy.

I'm a blue collar guy.

I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn't stop myself. I asked the stupid question. 'You lock your keys in the car?' 'Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.'

I always wanted to be an actor. I always wanted to be John Wayne.

A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.

When 'Blue Collar TV' was on the 'WB,' we were their second-highest rated show, but they didn't know what to do with us. They had 'Reba,' which was number one, and we were number two, and they didn't want to be known as the hayseed network, so they kind of dropped us, even though we were pulling great numbers.

I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair.

I was doing a bit that stupid people should be slapped. But the more I did it, the more I didn't like that connotation, the violence and all that. The more I thought about it, I thought they should just wear signs. And, man, it just took off.

I don't pick on people.

I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower.

The one thing people like about my show is it's universal. Everybody can relate to it. I think people enjoy going to a show and saying, 'Something like that happened to me.'

I'm a big animal fanatic.

I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you.

As my wife says, I'll never fully retire, but it'll start to slow down. I'll continue to do the local gigs or go to Las Vegas. But I won't be going out to Ohio to play an Indian casino anymore. Those will probably go by the wayside.

I love playing the bitter guy.

People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they'd be in.

I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.

No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand.

In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships.

I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains.

I don't have big time celebrity friends - I'm just a guy.

Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'

I am feeling older every day.

I have been passed over on some things because people didn't think I was edgy enough. But the people who took those gigs are gone now, and I am still here.

I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role.

I've really got no complaints.

To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice.

I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak.

Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I'm good.

I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.

My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are... the ones breaking into your house.

I don't believe there's any reason for a person like myself to own an AK-47.

I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out.

There's a lot of things I believe in this world. I believe in God, I believe in the United States of America, and I support and believe in the Second Amendment.

I used to hunt and fish.

I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it.

My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time.

America loves to watch people growing and getting better.

If you lived next door to me and didn't know what I did, you wouldn't know I was a celebrity. I don't have that lifestyle, nor do I want that lifestyle. I want to know that I can have a separate life with my wife and my kids and just be normal and go camping and fishing and outdoor stuff.

I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer.

I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania.

I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too.

What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area.

Standup is a form of therapy. It is OK to tell problems to your audience as long as you are being honest and not boring them. I tell them that I am saving $75 an hour when I talk to them instead of a therapist.

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