Roseanne Barr Quotes

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You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it.

I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads.

In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.

I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.

Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it.

TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel.

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

I like facts and data because they help me think clearly, beyond the cultural messages that I ingest unwittingly, and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously.

Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem!

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.

Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.

It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't.

I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.

One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.

I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.

Both the Democratic and Republican parties are bought and paid for by corporate America and cater to the needs of the highest bidder as opposed to the people they claim to represent. I cannot be bought.

The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.

I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.

When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying.

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