Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Most Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes of All Time!

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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

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