Henny Youngman Quotes

Most Famous Henny Youngman Quotes of All Time!

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When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Take my wife... Please!

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

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