Groucho Marx Quotes

Most Famous Groucho Marx Quotes of All Time!

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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

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