David Letterman Quotes

Most Famous David Letterman Quotes of All Time!

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Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

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The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to...

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