Bob Mortimer Quotes

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I worked in a chicken factory, in a steel foundry, I worked on the bins for a year or so. It started as a summer job, but I stayed on because I liked it very much. I liked it that it made you very fit, doing all the lifting and that, so I could wear short-sleeved t-shirts, which I'd never been able to do before!

When I was about 13, I went to see this band called Free, who I'd never heard, and I just fell in love with them. I found my heroes. I stood at the front with my chin on the stage.

My shyness probably defined the first 30 years of my life, really. It's a crippling thing. It can be very lonely knowing that you've got things to say, but you daren't say them.

I played for Middlesbrough's youth team. At the age of 16, I went into a shed at the training ground and was told that they weren't signing me on, so that was the end of that dream. Football was my life. I played football when I got to school, football every break and football as soon as I got home.

I've started to get iritis, which affects the eyes. But I'm not going to give in.

Other people just look so comfortable with a book in their hands - I never feel like that.

I hate dinner parties, you know, can't stand them. Friends don't bother inviting me any more, because they know I won't come. I could never think of anything to say between courses - it's a confidence thing, I suppose.

I love 'Big Brother.' I adore it. What can I say. It just suits me fine.

I like having something I can watch every single night. It suits my habits.

I saw Alan Davies on a show from the London Palladium and he did a nice routine about having kids or whatever. I couldn't do that.

I want people to watch us and think, 'They're idiots. They're clowns,' I want them to watch us and think Tommy Cooper or Spike Milligan.

There are a lot of famous people who started out with us and became stars and I wouldn't swap my life with theirs for one second.

I get tempted to do a reality show because I enjoy them so much.

We miss 'House of Fools' a lot. We always enjoyed doing that; it felt a bit like a different and fresh show for British TV, so we always feel attached to those sort of things.

We've always been a slightly specialist interest, and as you get older, for specialist interest programmes I think broadcasters are probably looking for younger talent, really.

I think 'the Mighty Boosh' are quite good.

I hate every moment of live performance.

We miss 'House of Fools' a lot. It felt a bit like a different and fresh show for British TV.

It's like cooks don't watch cooking programmes - I suppose maybe comedians don't watch comedy shows.

When we first did 'Big Night Out,' there was no chance of someone doing a little show in a pub then being on telly. There was a little Oxbridge route in and an old-fashioned variety route.

I'm not that interested in other people, and I don't have any friends, so I'm not really the ideal candidate for Twitter.

Darts is bad.

Funnily enough, 'Shooting Stars,' that stupid little panel show, is the most influential thing we've done.

There are quite detailed rules with sitcom. When people can leave scenes, act structure, joke rhythm. You can't not have a straight man.

A lot of comedians want people to listen to them. I don't think we've ever been that bothered about whether people would want to listen to us.

We've ignored audiences all these years. We've just amused ourselves and hoped enough people would want to eavesdrop to make it all viable.

With everything, 'Shooting Stars' included, we'll just have some words on a card to prompt us - 'How would Rod Stewart die,' that kind of thing - and we'll just run with that idea, as if we were talking to each other, messing around. And I'm no scholar of these things, but I think that's what double acts should do, isn't it?

In broadcasting, there's a lot of longevity offered to people like Griff Rhys Jones and Stephen Fry, who are polymaths more than comics. We're comics first and foremost.

I sometimes wonder, with the Oxbridge comics, the broadcasters seem to say, at some point, now I trust you to do a documentary, you can be the voice for a maths show, or whatever. I don't think we're ever considered in that way.

I don't think 'Shooting Stars' has ever successfully been replaced.

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