Bill Maher Quotes

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The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.

Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.

If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest.

It's all been satirized for your protection.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'

Men are only as loyal as their options.

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