Woody Allen Quotes

Most Famous Woody Allen Quotes of All Time!

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In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Marriage is the death of hope.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I am two with nature.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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