Top 10 Les Dawson Quotes

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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

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