Tim Allen Quotes

Most Famous Tim Allen Quotes of All Time!

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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect...

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Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background...

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

I have a thing for tools.

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

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