Jenny Eclair Quotes

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I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content.

I'm the least spiritual person in the world. I can't even abide a smelly candle. I know it's meant to make me relax, and that immediately makes my hackles rise.

I've got this horrible feeling that I'm one of those people who'll always have to flog their guts out to get anywhere.

I wouldn't say I was grumpy. It's more pathological - I have seismic tantrums. I get red in the face and cry at least three times a week, and I have to lie down and have a nap afterwards.

I prefer highs and lows to an even keel. Moderation is never something I've been good at.

I love fashion, but I don't come from a background of loving clothes, and I remember feeling badly dressed from a young age.

I'm a schizophrenic mix of wannabe glamourpuss and absolute slob, and my style is very much magistrate-meets-barmaid.

I don't do marriage. I think it's incredibly naff. And I don't like vulgar displays of ostentation.

I might be needy, competitive and desperate but it's far better than being wet.

I admire the Elsie Tanners and Barbara Windsors of the world: people who have crawled back from the abyss. I'm quite camp in that respect.

There should be more booing in shops and restaurants and places like that when when the service is bad. If you've had a poor breakfast in a hotel, you should put your knife and fork down and boo.

I am best viewed from a distance.

As a rule, wearing a bigger pair of jeans looks better than squishing yourself into a pair of jeans that used to fit before you gave up smoking.

I'm very jealous of my daughter's education. She's been inspired by her teachers, and nobody inspired me as a teenager.

After graduating from flares and platforms in the early 1970s, I started drama school wearing a pair of khaki dungarees with one of my Dad's Army shirts, accessorised by a cat's basket doubling as a handbag. Very Lady Gaga.

I think I might actually die of showing off. It'll be on my headstone - 'Cause of Death: Showing Off.'

Moderation is never something I've been good at.

I have a fear of poverty in old age. I have this vision of myself living in a skip and eating cat food. It's because I'm freelance, and I've never had a proper job. I don't have a pension, and my savings are dwindling. I always thought someone would just come along and look after me.

I'm very bad at having heroes. I don't rate anyone particularly highly because I'm so snide and competitive and not very nice.

The comedy I like the best is comedy I can't do, stuff that doesn't touch my arena.

I am best viewed from a distance... and at night.

I've got a hat face. My mother always said I've got a hat face.

I've just got crap hair. Although I inherited a lot of stuff from my dad, including giant knees, I didn't get his good, thick hair. I got my mother's thin, wispy, non-event hair instead.

People often ask why comedy is harder for women, and the reason is because a tampon will sometimes fall out when you're on stage. Blokes don't have that worry.

A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke.

I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job.

Well, I'm not good with sliminess. I hate the thought of creatures that have slime on them or creatures that leave a slimy trail. At home, the sight of a slug can bring up my breakfast.

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