James Veitch Quotes

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The marooned friend is one of the best-known scams, principally because it's the one that dodges the spam filter most often. It comes from someone you know but often only tangentially. It's since become - hands down - one of my favourite scams.

Most scams are absurd - so absurd that one wonders how anyone falls for them at all; yet if no one falls for them, how do the scammers make money?

Don't get me wrong - I don't want to be mean to the scammers. There are lots of people online who do that. I'm content merely having fun inventing, and I figure any time they're spending with me is time in which they're not scamming vulnerable adults out of their savings.

I think of the spam folder not as Pandora's box but as a costume shop in which you can play and play at being whoever and whatever you wish. If only for a time.

I woke up one morning to an email from my friend Alex that said she'd had her bag stolen. Ordinarily, I'm quite quick on the uptake, but - maybe because of the way it was worded - I immediately replied, 'What??????' As soon as I hit send, I realised I was being scammed. But then they replied, and I thought, 'Well, why not?'

I've sent thousands of emails - the conversations in the book are just the success stories.

I know some people whose father has basically spent their whole inheritance on scammers. He's old; he wants to feel important, like he's doing business, so he goes to his bank and pays out - it's terrifying.

I had an awkward moment when I got a phone call from the person pretending to be Winnie Mandela. 'Winnie' sounded about 12 years old, unfortunately - she'd probably been pushed to the telephone because she was the only one who spoke English.

I suspect I wasn't loved enough as a child.

I'd really like to be able to whistle with two fingers. Is this a biological thing? Is it to do with the teeth? Who teaches people to do this? How do I learn?

My hobbies are playing piano and guitar, pining for girls, worrying about climate change, pining for girls, and the poetry of John Keats.

I just feel so upset when I think of all the lost years when I could have been doing stand-up gigs.

I do bits about dating but mainly about what I did and how incompetent I am, not any genuine people writing to me.

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