Elayne Boosler Quotes

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I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back...

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

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It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

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