Demetri Martin Quotes

Most Famous Demetri Martin Quotes of All Time!

We have created a collection of some of the best demetri-martin quotes so you can read and share anytime with your friends and family. Share our Top 10 Demetri Martin Quotes on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Popular Quotes Topics for You.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind...

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And...

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's...

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's...

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she...

Guys, we are trying to share Unique Demetri Martin Quotes, so you will not get to read the same things again and again on our website. You can also share your favorites on Facebook or send them to a friend who loves to reading quotes.