Dave Barry Quotes

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Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

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