Claudia Winkleman Quotes

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I avoid envy at all costs.

I make a good roast chicken.

I won a robotics championship when I was 13.

I am allergic to fancy dress. This is actual fact.

I have always been a little bit forgetful.

I couldn't tell you my wedding anniversary (although I seem to remember it was in June. Or maybe July. Definitely a month beginning with a 'J,' anyhow. But not January. Um. I think) and people I went to school with get extremely fed up with me when I bump into them in the street and have absolutely no recollection of their faces.

Forgetting stuff is just human, especially when other things are on our minds.

Weddings happen once. That's the point. They're a bluster of confetti and hope all wrapped up in sticky wedding cake and four-year-old girls in big dresses with massive bows.

There's no fun in relationships. OK - that's not strictly true. I will agree that the first bit can be not totally unpleasant. There's the initial meeting and the heart quickening and the stomach-churning excitement of it all.

Left to their own devices, men would wear trainers with a pair of stonewashed jeans and would think nothing of throwing on a donkey jacket.

Men fill up their heads and drawers and sheds with stuff from their teenage years.

Men are, on the whole, born without any fashion sense whatsoever. I don't say this to be mean, but I'm just being honest.

If a straight man dresses well, chances are he's not straight.

Stockings are tricky for girls - you worry about them falling down all night and the idea that you dress up at 7pm so that your boyfriend can get excited about six hours later is just too much effort.

The truth is that tights are just so cosy.

If you meet a girl who says: 'Darling, what do you mean? Of course I wear suspenders. I've worn them all my life. I think tights are for old people,' then know this: she's desperate to have kids, she wants you and her to live in the same house as her mum, she never wants to go out and she just wants to lie on your chest for the next 15 years.

Christmas is not a time for laughter. Christmas is a time for pain.

I just don't 'get' pets.

Now people who keep fish disturb me the most, if I'm totally honest. They always smell a bit like fish food and they know just a bit too much about eels.

Rodents are pests and not pets, and anything that manically runs around a wheel 24/7 and occasionally has 19 babies in the middle of the night should not be brought into the house.

A dark room with some low-level whale music and a flat bed and a woman pulling your shoulder back and forth is a happy place.

Being hummed at by someone with magic hands while they knead your neck is good for the soul, but it won't make you giggle for days afterwards. In fact, the second the smiley therapist stops and says, 'You can put your robe on now, the hour is up,' the joy and wonder sort of leaves the room.

There's no doubt a bit of chicken in a creamy mushroom sauce with a side order of garlic mash will put a smile on your face.

Who actually enjoys skiing? Come on, even Olympic ski masters, even James Bond, think that dressing up in all that fluorescent, insulated kit and having to manoeuvre down a mountain in the freezing cold is no way to spend leisure time.

When you're down and have just split up from your partner everyone says you have to move forward. 'Get on with your life,' 'It's time to meet someone new,' and 'Don't think about the past' are phrases you'll hear for at least six months after the horrible event.

Be completely honest - have you ever met someone who you thought was truly clever or interesting or witty who wore fawn?

There's nothing quite as perfect as going to a dark room where you can eat fattening food next to the man you love. OK. All right. Like. The man you like.

There is no film on the face of this earth that is as blatant a girl's film as '27 Dresses.'

The only question a girl can ask herself when their husband chooses to see '27 Dresses' is this: What on earth has he done?

Top-flight football players are a strange bunch.

The reason why those female celebrities are always in filthy moods is not because they're being hounded by men with massive cameras or because Ridley Scott cancelled their film. They just want to get their hands on a cheeseburger.

I love skiing. What on earth have I been doing on a beach all this time? I mean, that's for morons - you can get sunburn and really damage yourself.

I still have to stand on a box to post a letter.

I like small actors. They are my absolute favourite.

I'd take Tom Hollander over Brad Pitt any day.

I share a birthday with Max Beesley and James Nesbitt.

I've always thought MySpace sounds like a new estate agency in central London run by two men who favour large-lapel suits and goatees.

Facebook it turns out, is like MySpace but it's not scary. There aren't a lot of angry looking people with nose rings and um, issues.

Facebook is the first class of social networking. If MySpace is Camden Lock then Facebook is Harvey Nichols.

Facebook, I'm learning, is like a man. You have to be smiley and fun and witty but sometimes you have to play it cool and just ignore it for a couple of hours.

Yes, of course I love little Sarah Jessica Parker. I love the fact that when she accepts awards, she thanks everyone she's ever met and inanimate objects that have 'been kind to her.' And I love the fact that she hasn't had a flesh-coloured mole removed from her forehead (I'm not making it up; have a closer look next time she's on the screen).

Indeed, 'Sex and the City' highlighted the importance of female friendships, and showed the world that it was hip to be single.

The character of Samantha Jones proved that women over the age of 40 could be magnificently sexy and attractive to men of all ages.

Sex and the City: The Movie' - a bit like the All Saints comeback, and the return of the Jammy Dodger, it feels a little staged and all wrong.

Seriously, Jamie Cullum could be the smallest person on the planet. He might be lovely and charming and you might think we all should spend more time talking about his piano-playing techniques but, seriously, have you seen how short he is?

I'm not sure a pretty and stupid man might be the key to a happy relationship.

Hiring someone to look after your children is about the most important thing you will ever do in your life.

Grown-up parties are so dull they make me want to throw a tantrum and hurl red wine on the nearest cream-damask armchair.

Now, like a lot of parents, I have to fight with myself every time I leave the house not to buy my children more stuff.

My kids are the offspring of people who are doing reasonably well and live in the centre of London and the chances are they're going to turn out ghastly anyway. Who's to say they shouldn't have a walk-in wardrobe and possibly a stylist from the age of four?

If you asked 100 women on the street who they'd like to be, I'm sure most of them would say Kirsty Wark or Germaine Greer. Yawn. Do me a favour - they're lying.

Things I am allergic to: people who believe in star signs and think nothing of starting a conversation with: 'Hi, my name's Lucy. I'm a Sagittarius;' rodents (apart from miniature hamsters, which are not in fact rodents but small, breathing, brown balls of cotton wool); and people who go to the gym.

All my life, I have avoided any sort of exercise. I don't enjoy sweating and I think people who show off about having just done 20 press-ups are pretty weird.

I always have eyeliner in the house. There might be no bread, we might be out of milk, but there's always eyeliner.

I go to bed with as much makeup on as I can so I look cooler in my dreams.

I never take my makeup off.

My husband thinks I'm insane.

My mum raised me in a home without mirrors. She's a staunch feminist and wanted us to know that what we look like is the least interesting thing about us.

I'm confident without make-up on and I only wear it for work.

I grew up not worrying about my looks.

I don't think I'd get employed if I did pastel eye and a side parting. People would say: 'Get someone else for the job!'

I used to spend hours reading the Sunday papers, but then I had 900 children so I don't any more.

I don't like ads: I'm too susceptible. I find myself in the supermarket buying Ronseal, and I don't even have a shed.

I really like Jon Snow in quite an unhealthy way - he's got a jaunty tie and a fast brain.

I am box-set girl; I buy into those big American series like 'The Sopranos' and 'Heroes.'

I loved 'Life is Beautiful' and action films are great, like 'Die Hard.' My favourite is the mob film - 'Goodfellas,' 'The Godfather,' 'Once Upon a Time In America,' anything with Robert De Niro in it.

Ads are cool.

Jane Austen is one of my all-time favourites.

I love PG Wodehouse.

I can't stand people who say they've got 'Africa fatigue.'

On 'Richard And Judy' I dressed up as an orange for Fruit Awareness Week.

I'd like my children to remember all the cuddles and bedtimes, and that I worshipped them unconditionally.

I don't work very hard. I dye myself orange and I read out loud in the months from September to December when 'Strictly' is on.

I never go to parties. I never go to premieres. You can't play that game, because it's short-lived and you want a life.

When I want to feel especially grateful, I think about the early days dressing up as an orange for Fruit Awareness Week.

I watch 'Question Time' religiously.

I like cookery shows much more than my husband, so I put them on the minute he goes away.

I was a sucker for glamorous women in shoulderpads eating fancy things like eggs benedict.

Uggs are great.

I'd love to spend a month in China.

It's deep in the south of India and next to Goa, but thankfully the folk who like Goa haven't worked out that Kerala is a lot nicer and just next door. You do feel that you are discovering somewhere entirely new in Kerala. It makes you feel like you are on a totally different planet.

I am allergic to sweating. Seriously I get in shape by lying down.

If I could grow my fringe down to my shoulders to cover my entire face and occasionally peer out to answer questions I would. It's my beauty security blanket.

I don't like anything too perfect, or anyone who looks like they have just stepped out of a salon; that's not for me.

I love that ageing rocker look, dressed in black and looking like you slept in your make-up.

Once, when I was 14 I thought easily the most glamorous thing was white eyeliner inside the eye and then heavy lip liner round the mouth. I think I looked repellent.

I've never knowingly taken my make-up off. The stuff you see me in I first put on in the 70s.

I don't have any secrets; I don't believe in secrets.

I don't believe in Chap Stick, I'm going to say that right now. Carmex can sometimes feel like too much of an attack. It's just too much sometimes.

I had a go with Botox but looked both scared and surprised at the same time. I don't like to be either.

I prefer to stick to my old-lady goth/Steve Tyler look. I've found my look - white lipstick, black eyeliner, black clothes.

I think I was born aged about 86.

My twenties were painful. You had to go out to nightclubs. I love not having to pretend to enjoy those things anymore.

I don't want to be doing anything else, I just want to be with my family.

Even when my mum used to edit the paper she would come home, put us to bed and then go back to the office. She must have been exhausted. She worked on Sunday papers so I always had her on Mondays. I loved Mondays! She would always be waiting for me outside school. I remember feeling very loved.

The only thing I'm obsessed with is sleeping. I'm really good at it and if I don't do it I'm horrible.

I've never felt the need to show that I am either clever or tall because I'm not.

I find it alarming that people are so convinced they're the best at anything - presenting, hairdressing, getting dressed.

You've never met anyone who likes Christmas more than me. I go quite Liberace. My kids have all got stick-on antlers.

Look, I just read out loud for a living. Most of my friends are doctors or lawyers, people I went to university with, they're on the train at 7 A.M. and don't get home until 7 P.M. They work bloody hard, and they're allowed to be overwhelmed. I don't think I'm allowed, really.

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